Grief Diaries 003

Entry 50 

I haven't written in a while. I swear I'm not ignoring you. It's impossible to ignore you. You're on my mind most minutes of my days. I know writing out my thoughts is a way for me to process them. And truth be told, my thoughts have felt ‘stuck’ because I haven't been writing.

I got up fairly early today (07:30) but after getting up to pee, make myself a drink, and take my pills, I got back into bed and alternated between scrolling and snuggling with Bella, sometimes both at the same time. Then I willed myself to get out of bed and I moved to the couch to do the same. I find the weekends the hardest. My phone is the quietest and the clock in my flat ticks louder than on the weekdays. After a while I could feel the physical symptoms of being on a phone too much start to surface so I put some headphones on, switched on some groovy instrumental jazz, and started cleaning up. Washed the dishes. Changed the litterbox. Took out the bins. Vacuumed. Wiped countertops and mirrors. Put away my Gusto order after being startled by the sudden and firm knock of the delivery driver. Cooked myself a meal from scratch. Even though I accomplished all of that, I couldn’t justify to myself that I could be ‘lazy’ for the rest of the day so I sat down to write for a bit.  

Despite my entry choice for this grief diary, I actually have been writing since my last post. Tid bits here and there, ramblings of thoughts and memories. But they weren’t complete and weren’t for this blog. I’ve been practicing creating things for my own enjoyment or self-soothing, rather than as a finished product to share with the world. Creative expression is essential for human regulation and understanding. And I don’t want to hear some of you saying ‘But I can’t draw or write, I’m just not a creative person’. It’s nonsense. You just haven’t found your medium of creativity yet or are putting the idea of creativity in a small box of paints and pencils. Cooking takes creativity. Selecting what clothes you buy and wear takes creativity. Solving problems in life takes creativity. 

I should also note that the grief entry is in relation to writing to Ben. Writing to Ben and writing for these posts are two very different types of writing. When he passed, I went to Waterstones and purchased the same notebook Ben had purchased 2 years’ prior and kept on various tabletops around our flat. I did this because I knew that having the same notebook he did would signal to my brain that it was dedicated to Ben. Most of what is written in my ‘Letters to Ben’ notebook is to help me process such a significant loss and ancillary trauma. It allows me to simulate the conversations I feel like I need to have with him, share recent events with him, and memorialise our time together. Not that I feel the need to defend my choices, but in case any of you are thinking this sounds odd or unhealthy I can assure you that journaling is a well proven method for working through thoughts and emotions, and not just in grief. Journaling allows you to release ‘stuck’ thoughts, reflect, and remember. I have also found it immensely useful to read back through my journals over the years to remind myself of how far I’ve come and smile at memories I’d forgotten.

So that’s that. No real sob stories this time despite having a week filled with challenging and heavy moments. My body might be giving me a break after a grueling few weeks’ of daily crying and sluggishness. Or I may be getting ‘better’ at this grief business. Or maybe a bit of both.