Rest & Gratitude

I’m absolutely exhausted this week. That is to be expected after a week involving running a conference one day, attending my husband’s inquest the next, then spending 5 days in another time zone. But my exhaustion goes beyond those things. This exhaustion is the result of months of anticipation, fear, and restlessness. ‘I just need to get past the inquest’ I told myself and many others around me. Well now I have and my body is telling me to rest. REST in capital letters.

But even as I selected the tea I made before sitting down to write, I chose the bag labeled ‘detox’ over the one labeled ‘rest’. I put on a show to entertain me while resting on the couch, but I find myself needing to keep my hands busy with my latest crochet project. I have less scheduled in my calendar this week on purpose but have spent time this week planning things for next week.

Part of me thinks that to rest means to miss out. But then again I seem to miss so much when I am not resting too. The months of this year have slipped through my fingers. I’ve experienced so much, but I struggle to remember how those experiences made me feel. So many of my memories from this year feel insipid. I’ve been hopping from one thing to the next, using calendar events as bridges across the abysses of my grief. It’s how I’ve stayed afloat, it’s how I’ve managed to “be doing well”. Don’t mistake this as running away from my grief. I’ve let myself feel as much as I can handle at any given time. But I’ve needed these rafts to grab back onto to pull myself up again.

I have a little box of affirmation cards that I keep on my desk. I’ve had them for years and I used to pull one with Ben most mornings to help us start our days off on the right foot. Despite shuffling and choosing a random card each time, Ben got the “I sprinkle a little bit of happiness everywhere I go” card most often. This was extra comical as most days he did not have a naturally occurring sunny disposition that the card was affirming. One day while showing his frustration with getting this card yet again and insisting he pick a new card, I said “Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something”. 

Today I pulled the “I am grateful for all I have” card. Through my tired eyes and exhaustion I can still recognise just how much I have to be grateful for. Grateful for my time with Ben and being able to share life with such a special person. Grateful for my strength and resiliency for whatever life throws at me. Grateful for all the people in my life that check in on me and who I think of when I wobble. Grateful for a cat who loves and understands me so well that she comforts me even when I don’t realise I need it. Grateful for a loving and supportive family. Grateful for my health and healing. Grateful for being able to rest. Rest. Just rest.