Grief Diaries 002

TW: suicidal ideation, self harm

Entry 68

You don't want to know your future, it would kill you. If I had known the breakdown of our relationship was coming, I would've walked out into traffic to avoid going through it. If I had known the day we were laughing and making memories at our local boardgames cafe would be the same date of his funeral in 2 years' time, I would've taken enough pills to kill an elephant. It's best not knowing. Being unprepared for these things is the only way you'll get through them. You must learn on the go.

I’m not going to lie, yesterday and today have felt incredibly heavy. My eyes have looked and felt swollen since yesterday at 16:04 when I finally let myself have a Big Cry. I was on my way home from seeing a film as I approached the gentle corner of A48 by Corntown when I made the last minute decision to visit Ogmore-By-Sea. I’ve only ever been to OBS when I’ve been sad so I cannot recommend it for anything other than a long pensive walk or distracting yourself by picking up smooth pebbles. I sat in my car until the sun made the interior too warm to sit in. Then I got out, fighting against the wind with my car door. I walked across the dappled rock beds while holding onto the stones I’d decided were cool enough to sit on my counter for a few weeks then in a box or drawer until I moved again. Once the wind chilled me, I crawled back into the warm embrace of my car's interior and sat in silence. I looked out across the water and thought about how empty and exhausted I felt. 

I hadn’t cried while on my adventure, but I knew I had more that needed to come out. Before continuing my reluctant return home, I put on my latest playlist creation ‘Get In Loser, We’re Having A Big Cry’. As Adele’s soulful vocals began, I began to cry. When I think no one can hear me, I love to sing along to any and every song. But with each note I tried to squeak out, the tears flowed harder. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate, signaled by prickly skin and a levitating head. Memories of panic attacks gone past popped into my head. Scratching my arms and legs raw in an effort to transfer the pain from my mind into physical form. But that’s not me anymore, I don’t do that. In any case, I have no one to hold my hands to stop me so I cannot do that. I pictured my sadness as a wave washing over me, allowing it to drench me and subside, rather than fight against it. I focused on my task at hand, driving home safely, so that my family do not have another person to mourn this year. With each song it got easier to sing along as my tears turned from primal sobs to silent streams. 

Entry 52

The majority of people cannot grasp the horror of losing your partner, let alone by suicide. They vastly underestimate just how fucked up your feelings and thoughts become as a result. They rush the healing of something that cannot be healed. You can only learn to carry it and work with it rather than against it. And some days you're just too fucking exhausted.

Today I decided to stay inside because it was raining. When the sun came out in the afternoon I decided to stay inside because I found the sunshine to be insulting. I cooked myself lunch from scratch, Broccoli Pesto Orecchiette with Lemon Pangrattato. But it left a persistent taste in my mouth that I didn’t care for an hour later. I did some gentle movements on my yoga mat to open up my heart chakra. My hunched over posture returned as soon as I stepped off. I sat in the sunny patch of my spare room with my cat to doodle my demons away. Nothing I drew was how I pictured it in my head so I tore out the pages in frustration. So I sat down to write how I'd been feeling. Then I worried people may find it too dark or negative. I thought about tucking this away for no one to ever read again or highlighting it all and pressing delete. But it’s important to talk about the bad days and not try to sugar coat them. I’ve done things to try and make myself feel less shit but I still feel pretty shit. Instead of beating myself for that I’m reminding myself to rest and that better days are ahead.