Le Vie En Rose

TW: disordered eating

Whenever I was cooking us tea, I’d put on a playlist I created called “Music for Cooking”. Though on shuffle, I always selected Louis Armstrong’s Le Vie En Rose to play first. As the piano trilled, I’d anticipate his muted horn coming in, and join along with a whistle as I began to get out pots, pans, and wash the produce. It was my ritual, a series of familiar and romantic sounds that Pavloved me into doing a task I otherwise avoided. Without fail, I’d get lost in the process and find it grounded me to my core, regardless of what kind of day I’d had. Stress from life melted away as I peeled potatoes, cut up cherry tomatoes, and cracked peppercorns.

When I first lost Ben, I lost over 10kg in a month because I couldn’t eat. The second time I lost Ben I lost even more weight but I couldn’t tell you how much, I wasn’t paying attention. I could only bring myself to eat very specific things, such as BBQ Pringles, Cadbury creame eggs, and IKEA meatball meals. I went to my GP, concerned about my lack of nutrition and developing an illness due to it. They reassured me that my appetite would be affected for a while and as long as I’m getting some calories inside me, they didn’t care where those calories came from.

For a while that worked, eating only what I felt like eating. I have an entire list of the very specific things I could stomach, all of which repulse me now. Then I gained the 10kg back, fairly quickly, in about a two month period. Processed foods had become a comfort for me, providing me with hits of dopamine that my brain lacked. I began to dislike what I saw in the mirror and it was having a negative impact on my mood and energy too. I had been here before, seeking dopamine from food. Binge eating until I felt sick. Eating and wanting to stop but being unable to. Just one more bite. This time around I knew what the answer was - I need to get back on my ADHD medication.

I went off my ADHD medication due to the shortages last year. When my life isn’t stressful, I don’t need medication, I am able to manage my symptoms most days without it. However, my life has been stressful for a while and I knew I needed the breathing space the medication provides me again. I am fortunate to have access to NHS mental health services that have provided me with timely and attentive care, so it took less than a month for me to be reinstated. And to my surprise, I walked into my appointment this year to the same provider I had last year! He remembered me and was sorry to hear about my husband’s passing, listening to me and making sure I had resources to support me. Since being back on my medication, my binge eating has stopped and I’m feeling more level again.

I say all of this to share that I have only cooked myself a handful of meals this year. When I say ‘cooked’ I mean multi-step dishes that require multiple ingredients and effort. Of course I’ve boiled pasta and scambled eggs. But aside from that, I’ve done very little cooking. I’ve missed it, missed the calming nature of it and the way it centred me after a long day. I credit Stocked for helping me transition into eating more meaningful dishes, and Gusto is my newest cooking helper which has given me the momentum to start cooking meals for myself again. I’ve only used a meal service once before, while I was living alone during COVID in New Hampshire. I was struggling with being apart from Ben and feeling lonely in a new place where I knew no one. Once I’d cook a meal I liked, I’d relay the list of ingredients to Ben and we’d make it together while on a video call. Sometimes he couldn’t get ahold of all the ingredients (such as ‘liquid smoke’ - Ben never believed me that this was a real ingredient) but we always found a way to still make the same dish together while being 3,000 miles apart.

“Music for Cooking” was deleted after I lost Ben the first time because it was too painful to see in my list of playlists on Spotify, a reminder of happier times. But I have since started making a new one, one that still has Le Vie En Rose on it, but is curated by where I am now in my life. Food and music are the great connectors of life. It’s where relationships, memories, and community are formed and fostered. Dance in the kitchen while garlic and oil sizzles in the pan. Sing to your heart’s content as the oven heats up, don’t be afraid to cry. And let yourself get lost in the process.